I'm Not Wanking Off!
by Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley
Summary: post Journey's End. the Doctor drags Mickey and Martha to spy on Donna's date only to get accused of something he wasn't doing. Jack/Donna, Mickey/Martha. crack fic


"Why are we doing this

"Why are we doing this?" Mickey asks dragging his feet as he walked along the pavement "I mean can't we just watch it on CCTV like the others?"

"You didn't have to come along" the Doctor snaps "I only asked Martha to come with me, not you"

"Yes but then Martha decided to drag me along so someone can restrain her before she kills you" Mickey muttered

"I don't know why we're doing this" Martha hisses as the three of them crouch behind a bush. "Can't you just leave them alone? They're happy and I think it's rather sweet"

The Doctor snorts "you may think it's sweet but it's like watching a lion pounce on its dinner, nothing sweet about that"

"I think someone's jealous" Mickey sings

"I am not jealous, I'm keeping an eye out for her, and god knows what he might do to her" the Doctor said stiffly

"Nah you're just jealous" Mickey said

"Mickey's right" Martha said "just because you haven't got someone to take out for dinner doesn't mean you can spy on Jack's date"

"I do have someone to take out for dinner" the Doctor protested "well I used to"

Martha and Mickey snort

"It's your own bloody fault anyway" Mickey said "you left Rose on parallel world with your human self when she would have gladly stayed with you and gone out for dinner"

"Rose has nothing to do with this" the Doctor said

"Well this is your own fault anyway" Martha said shifting slightly "if you didn't erase Donna's memories she wouldn't have picked Jack over you when she finally remembers"

"It's not that she picked Jack over me" the Doctor said "I'm not interested in Donna like that; my relationship with her is only brotherly. It's because she picked JACK!"

He shouted the last word causing people to look over. Martha and Mickey slam their hands round the Doctors mouth and hiss 'shh!' to him.

"Unlike you Doctor me and Martha can't regenerate so if Donna finds us we're dead and we kind of like living" Mickey hisses in the Doctor's ear.

There was a sudden loud laughter and through the cracks of the bush the three of them could see Jack's and Donna's legs, very, very close together.

"That was brilliant" Donna says "fantastic, I have never had such a great date"

"Glad to know that I can please you" Jack's voice replied with a gloating tone in it "maybe I can continue to please you back in the Hub"

Mickey and Martha pull faces and the Doctor gives out a loud disgusted groan, causing Donna and Jack to pull apart

"What was that?" Donna asks

"No idea" Jack says

"Sounded like an annoying little skinny Time-Boy" Donna snarls pulling the branches of the bush apart. Martha and Mickey went into a blind panic and did the first thing that came into their heads…snogging each other. "GOOD GOD YOU TWO GET A ROOM!" Donna shrieks "and you, you Doctor should be ashamed of yourself"

"I…I…I…I" the Doctor stammers

"Spying on poor Martha and Mickey like that" Donna continues "wanking off like that is so wrong, just because you left Rose on the parallel world, doesn't give you the excuse to use people like that"

"Doc I never thought you were such a pervert" Jack says grinning

"Shut it Harkness" the Doctor snaps "I wasn't wanking off by watching Mickey the Idiot and Martha making out" the Doctor protested to Donna "I was spying on you and Jack making sure Jack doesn't do anything"

"What don't you trust me?" Jack asks "I'm hurt, Doc that really, really hurts"

"Oh shut up Jack" the Doctor said looking irritated

Donna slapped him. a quick, harsh and very hard slap that left a red mark on his cheek "how many times have I told you Space-Boy?" she snarls "I'll date whoever I want to date, so shove your big brother attitude up your arse and find a porno flick to wank off to"

"I WAS NOT WANKING OFF!" the Doctor shouts.

"Whatever" Donna says waving a hand in dismissal "now me and Jack are going back to the Hub to have lots of passionate sex on Mickey's desk and you can nick the CCTV later if you must but No. More. Spying."

The Doctor watched Donna in shock as she storms off dragging Jack with her. Mickey pulls away from Martha with a look of horror on his face.

"They've been doing it on my desk?" he shudders "I'm going to have to ask Ianto for a lifetime supply of cleaning supplies then"


End file.
